I am now living in a house filled with Charles Bukowski, paint by numbers, owls, a swing in the backyard attached to the big tree, and christian art that is not meant to be religious.

I live with a young married couple, until I find a new place, on a convertible bed in a room that has a large slant, built in dressers, and 3 paint by number paintings, 2 owls, two windows, and a light.

My breasts feel saggy, as does my entire body. I want to sleep until noon, and read Sylvia Plath all day. I will forget I know a single soul in Portland, and drink coffee until I no longer need to. Though these days I never know when to stop. Perhaps a shower to scrub my body. Sometimes I feel like a good scrub seems to take off ten layers of myself, and I can sleep again.

It's time to sleep and dream of better times.

The other night I had a sex dream where mid way through I realized we weren't using protection, so I bought the plan B, it was really not a very good or sexy dream obviously. Last night I had a dream that I was bathing a baby, this baby was mine, she was very small and naked, she had blond hair, and when I tried to call her Margot she did not want to be called that and she told me so. I was very loving towards her and even woke up missing her. What the fuck?
I heard at one point in my life that to dream you are having a baby is a new beginning, but I also heard it meant that someone else is going to die. I hope it's the new beginning thing, because honestly I really need to have a change.

seclusion is all I need for a few days, or week, or month(s). I can walk the streets, and not worry about running into anyone I know. I need to hide in the corner, book in hand, reaffirming that my life is going to continue to keep running. I don't need anyone but myself to explain what is happening to me. Or why, when I have yet to reach the 20 year mark I feel like I could die tomorrow and be satisfied? I hear I am a good person, but I think it's all just a farce. I think we can all do some pretty awful things, and I cannot say that I am unaware of my ability to be cruel.

I have never read The Bell Jar, but I think this might be the season to do so.

I have no attachments for this moment
No boyfriend
No place to call a home
School is ending this week.
and I just came into a large sum of money.
What does this all mean, when this all happens within one week? It's a sign, if I ever did see one.

I could drive far away.
Or hop a train. bus. plane.
I need one more sign I think.

Mes vers fuiraient, doux et frêles,
Vers votre jardin si beau,
Si mes vers avaient des ailes,
Des ailes comme l'oiseau.

Ils voleraient, étincelles,
Vers votre foyer qui rit,
Si mes vers avaient des ailes,
Des ailes comme l'esprit.

Près de vous, purs et fidèles,
Ils accourraient, nuit et jour,
Si mes vers avaient des ailes,
Des ailes comme l'amour!



If my verses had wings!
My verses would float, soft and frail,
To your beautiful garden
If my verses had wings like a bird!
They would fly, sparkling,
To your laughing hearth
If my verses had wings like the spirit.
Near to you, pure and faithful,
They would rush, night and day,
If my verses had wings like love!

Tarot cards never lie.
I'm not sure if I should be happy.

It said deceit was behind me. And in my last one it said I would be committing to deceit and dishonesty-- and then those things happened.

I'm shaky about all this, except that the tarot cards never lie.

Listening to the rain pound down onto the roof of the house. wanting to go out and feel it on my face. Perhaps I will, after I write this. feel myself get wet. Feel myself get warm, in the humidity of this place, this area. Even when it's sunny it's cold. But the second those clouds form overhead, it gets warm and all is calm. The rain begins and you know in 30 minutes it will be sunny again. And then suddenly its raining once again. The weather plays with your mind, twirling itself in front of you enticing you to bend to it's will.
So you put on a layer or two, and tough it when Mother earth says "blue skies and cold mornings ahead."
the mornings are cold and the nights are rainy.
And I'm left upset as I sneak to bed.
Leave him, move on, find friends, escape from this world that has aligned itself with such imperfection.
I am not happy, though I hope to find it.