I really really want to organize a funds raising event to help with Epidermolysis Bullosa. I also really want to help children with special needs. I need to start getting involved more with real things, and making an active effort to make others lives better. Why sit around feeling bad about being lucky, when I can be lucky enough to help others? I just really am sick of living so selfishly. It's just getting old expecting to receive instead of just giving without any expectation at all. My new goal is to be an all around giving person. If I wasn't before, it starts now.

Excerpt from: Off the Map

"So why are you traveling like this?" Michel asked, as we disentangled our packs from his bicycle wheels at a ghosted gas station. He knew they were all we had, smaller than those of most travelers, and as we strapped them onto our dirty hips our scrappy pads belied the nature of our sleeping quarters. He handed us each an apple from the crate.
"Have you ever read Huck Finn?" I asked him
Michel nodded, smiling.
"Well, when we were young, we read all those books, looking for girls in their pages," I told him. "But we couldn't find anything. We don't want to be the boring girls that the boys in adventure stories get crushes on. We wanted to have our own adventure stories.
"So we're gonna make some new pages," I finished, biting through the taut ruby skin and into its sweet blank flesh.

Alberta went to the hippies

I cannot believe how it all ended. With harsh words. Words jumbled between us. Anger and disappointment. Can hardly look at each other. Because we both know we fucked up and fucked over the other.

A new road trip has been set up. Original road trip is back in order, no longer Mickey's Big Adventure. Back to Tovah and Maggie's Big Adventure.


I feel a little empty and as though I have realized I am indeed a schmuck.
Can I give up my parents trust? Do I want to? Do they deserve it? Why do I think of that as fucking up my life. When it could be just beginning my life?

Hawthorne went to the dogs

"Wandered back to Portland, unshaven and soft spoken"

Since downloading this song yesterday I have listened to it over 19 times.

Headed down south to the land of the pines

Forgot about the come down of Molly. two nights of laying in bathtubs in the whee hours of the night.

"Travel buddies"
I keep listening to Wagon Wheel. Heard it this morning around 6 am, was singing along with Mickey in the nest he made in his closet.
Went on a walk soon after and we hardly said a word, but I don't know if anything really needed to be said. We strolled along as the sky filled with clouds. I held a feather I found when we left his house. Made it to my house and we slept until 12 with a few interruptions of embracing.
Afterwards we smoked a cigarette and he left.

Feel a lack of emotion. Suppose it's a lack of Serotonin.

" Rock me mama like the wind and the rain
Rock me mama like a south-bound train
Hey mama rock me"

I have an idea of how to make myself happy, how to act lovingly and how to be positive towards others. Yet I seem unable to balance my emotions with those of others. I tend to hear other peoples feelings and take them as my own. I tend to be over empathetic to the point where I don't even understand where my own emotions correspond into other's feelings. How can I learn to seperate other people's lives amongst my own. How can I not let other drama affect me? How can I say no to people, how can I tell them when I am more concerned with their feelings than my own? I feel like I am so trying to please everyone that I am completely lost, I don't feel very connected to myself anymore, I don't know who I like to spend time with or don't because no matter who it's with it feels like a chore almost. I know I need to change something, I know that I need to fight to keep myself progressing, and to keep myself as myself, but when I am alone I am just as lost, I can't seem to find a balance. I need to be a hermit, and think, write, and plan, but I tend to look for any escape, and I need to learn that in order to become what you want to be or to be where you want to be, you have to move towards it.

Have woken up naked and feeling the hot sun all over my body the past few days.
Sat on the roof last night before I sent to sleep and chain smoked. Someone made me a wand and then left for pittsburgh, and I found the wand on the wall after they left. Mickey and I try to convince Brian to go every night.
I think we are going to get him
I want the fuck out.

Planning trip. Just want to go now. Excited on the prospect of running out of money. Running out of time. kind of want to end up somewhere completely different. I think we are going to make it to New Mexico?

Portland to Knoxville, with Mickey and Brian. Then knoxville for a few days to Ohio to see my Grandparents, Uncle, Aunt parents, Sofie, get rid of my car and head on with Mickey's. Then to Pittsburgh to pick up Neal, then to Milwaukee to see Helen. Then MN to see Alaina and TT. Then down to New Mexico? Up through California? Portland?

All this planning gives me a head ache because I don't know how it's going to work and I keep thinking of all the flaws and my mom is driving me crazy with her worrying. I left her on the phone when I asked about her hitchhiking to Colorado and if she made plans and arrangements before hand and she said, "No but we hitchhiked with truckers, so we could always just sleep in the truck" so I said "On that note mom, I'm ending this conversation about making arrangements. "

It's almost 100 out and I want to walk around completely naked.