I woke up this morning feeling very discontent, almost angry. I went to Linder's Greenhouse and applied for a job, that seemed to go well, then I just drove to the only place I knew would make me feel better. The cliff park at the end of Summit, I stepped out of my comfortably warm car into the blindingly beautiful sun. I hopped the fence and slid down a slight hill to the muddy cliffs. In order to climb down I had to grab hold of many roots and stones, I could hear the the trickling of water and I followed. No matter how sketchy the ground was or how cold I was getting I knew it was worth it. I finally arrived at the frozen waterfall, where I had brought many loves, but never just myself. I sat a top the fall, right next to the small trickling creek that led to this icicle cavern. I sat and let the sun warm me, I couldn't help but smile. I sat for two hours thinking of absolutely nothing, letting myself feel nature, and hear nature, as I closed my eyes. I hopped over the creek, and followed animal tracks, touched a tree and felt how warm it was, how alive it was. I felt the shelter the trees provided, and thanked them for the breath that I was breathing at that very moment. I walked back, slipping and sliding, grabbing branches, and thanking them for the support they offered on my little adventure. Stepping back into sight of people, I was alone again, aware of the cold, and the long drive home.

Constantly avoid the present.
Had Piet Mondrian and I met back in 1911, I would have kicked up my heels and pronounced my love of the universe.





Need I say more?
OKay... I will



I don't think it can get more clear than that.
This is what I've been looking for.

Come again, choose to go

Friday night I was in Olympia. And I felt like I was.. I want to say "19 again!" but then I realized that I was 19, and that my whole life is completely skewed. I have to drive 2 hours to find friends, or they 2 hours to find me.

I sang and danced under the sky. We made an entire bus do a sing along. We all laughed and stacked our feet on top of one another. There was a boy who had taken a month long oath to not talk; he stacked his feet, but did not laugh. And we shared a cigarette and he shared his music with me, and I leaned on him, and felt content, looking wildly all around.

And we staggered up the hill, peering into the storefronts. My nose stuffed full of pills, I was wide eyed and smiling. Feeling part of something. As we got closer to our destination music started playing, but nothing I have ever heard before.
We arrived and someone came running at me giving me a hug and screaming my name. Greg. And he dragged me all around, telling me to go up to people and ask them for drinks. And laughing at me, at my shyness. He has no such thing. But I get along with him none the less. We stole to the upstairs and smoked joints and looked out the window to a dark alley way and parking lot, and talked about the scenic view. Things on the wall kept falling off, whenever someone got locked in the bathroom and had to break down the door.

I saw a book by Allen Ginsberg and smiled, flipping through it then put it back.
When we went down for a cigarette, there were bodies on the porch covered in blankets. Greg whispered, "Whenever people throw big parties homeless kids come and ask if they can spend the night. It's nice"
They looked like dead bodies that had been covered to me, but I decided not to let it bother me. Not tonight. Maybe tomorrow.
And we made our way back. All the while skipping and jumping.
On the bus I got silent. Greg had found me my 1 buck whiskey chuck I had been asking for all night, and then laughed as I sat and smiled.


And at 10 in the morning I left Olympia, after going to the bus station to retrieve my cell phone which I had lost in all the commotion of the previous night.

On the way home the radio played all the right songs and I smiled the entire time.

I think my lack of posts is due to the fact that I keep viewing this as a place where my thoughts have to be actually thought-out (I didn't mean for that to sound so stupid). That's what I mean, I guess. What I mean is that I keep thinking about it like those really intense blogs with references, links, etc. Anyway, I like the way Maggie uses this, as more of a journal between the three of us.

For awhile I've been thinking about writing this long blog post about my obsession (sort of like Maggie and colors) with gender, more specifically masculinity / femininity / androgyny / etc but fuck it. It will have to wait.

This whole day I've been listening to Baby Love by the Supremes over and over again. It's really weird and nonsensical because I'm not anywhere near a relationship and haven't ever been, really. I think it has a lot to do with my fascination and fixation on the idea of relationship and my idealistic criteria for what constitutes a real one.

Which is stupid because I'm 18 and all that means is that I'm irrationally choosy and shy. Fuck that.

I'm Really Rosie. And I'm Rosie Real

I am constantly stuck in the past.

Here is a picture my mom sent me today, at the end of an email about me doing what makes me happy, and what feels right. it's from 10th grade is my guess. I miss Winston, and my mom. There is a note in the background that I wrote to my mom that says "I heart you! I love you Mom, for all you have given me, plus more! You are the best ever!"
She said she's going to come and visit me in March. I am more excited about that then anything going on in my life right now.

I guess the lord must be in new york city.

My uncle wants to fly me out to New York again.
How do I accept that and not allow myself to feel completely guilty?

I have been really aware of colors lately.
Their effects on me and surroundings.
This orange is making me feel warm.
And the blue is making me feel cold.
The dim lighting makes this place really dark
but it's bright because the walls are pink and orange.
If the walls were not that color, I don't know if I could see across the room.

Blue and yellow make green. Red and Yellow make orange. Red and blue make purple. But purple doesn't go with yellow. Nor red with green. And blue with orange.

Warm colors are as followed: red yellow and orange.
Cool colors are: green, blue, and purple.
But purple can sometimes feel warm.

Warm colors come forward. Cool colors recede.
You feel warmer when standing next to a bright red wall, as opposed to a blue wall.
This girl had painted a 5'' tall canvas completely red, and I felt the heat. She started sweating.

Put red next to blue, and red comes forward as blue recede. Put purple next to yellow and yellow comes forward. But I bet if you put purple next to green, purple would come forward.

If you want dark yellow, you cannot add black. It makes green.
You must add brown.
How do you make brown? yellow and purple. green and red. blue and orange.